Kids Say The Darndest Thing

When flying back to Chicago the last time I was waiting to board the plane. Unfortunately I was one of the last people on the plane so I didn't have my choice of many seats (southwest does open seating) and had to wait a while to get on the plane. When I was sitting in the airport the woman next to me was stalking out little kids like no one I have ever seen.

Dont get me wrong, when I see a cute kid I will smile at the child or tell their mother their baby is cute. But, this woman took it too the next level. She was an older woman around 45 or so. When the family was sitting around a kids table she said to the father "Your son is so sweet, he is such an adorable child!" The father said thank you and then she continued "He is such a sweet heart, I am so in love with your boy. What a heart breaker! What a gorgeous face. How old is he. He is just too cute! I love his face, hes such a heart breaker" The father smiled kind of awkwardly. He then had to "go to the bathroom" with all of his children.

The next victim to sit down was a father and his daughter. She must had been around 5 or so and she was a cute kid. The woman began again "Oh my gosh, your daughter is so beautiful" The father said thank you and then she began drilling them with questions "She is just gorgeous, so pretty, how old is she, is her mother around, what a gorgeous child, so well built. So pretty, just gorgeous" The father wasnt sure how to respond. She was treating the child like a cross between a cute puppy and a man talking about a Baywatch lifeguard. I am pretty sure this lady wasnt aloud to be within 50 feet of children and she was pretty obnoxious and very creepy.

When they called our seating zone we all went up to the poles telling us where to line up. Fortunately the woman was the last on the plane. I always hate this part of Southwest. Its nerve racking, looking for a seat, and people get so mad when you decide to sit in their middle seat. I always look for the most successful people on the plane and sit by them. I figure if they look successful maybe they are a CEO and are looking to hire an event planner. I will do just about anything to network these days. Well anyways, the seats were pretty picked over so I went to the back of the plane and took a row to myself. The father and the daughter followed. The creeper woman found another set of children to stalk for the 42 minute plane ride. I felt bad for their parents and even more for the children. They didnt know what they were getting themselves into.

The little girl began talking to me and her father was sleeping against the window. She started off pretty harmless but then got personal with questions. She asked where I was going, why I had an umbrella, the kind of questions kids ask. As we were getting off the plane she turns to the old man (he was like 65) in front of me and said "ma'am ma'am is that man your husband!!" this was insulting. First off, he was 3 times my age. Second, no. Third, she had just made things very awkward between the man and me. I quietly said no. Then she looked at the book I was holding. It was Chelsea Handlers "Hello Vodka, are you there, its me Chelsea". The girl starts spelling "V-O-D-K-A.. Vodka! thats what my mommy drinks. Right daddy, mommy loves vodka!" This little brat didnt know when to shut up and she was basically screaming. It was entertainment for the entire back of the plane.

We proceeded to baggage claim and the old grandpa comes up to me and goes "it's pretty funny that girl thought we were married" I responded with a "ha ha hilarious". Then he goes "Hi, I'm Paul." First thing that crossed my mind was I needed to start dressing younger. How did this man (THREE TIMES MY AGE) think I wanted to be hit on. Thank god as he was starting conversation my very noticeable bag came out onto the line and I could get to my train.

On the train this man was clearly not "with it". First his shirt looked like a child's bib. He was sleeping and particles were coming out of his mouth and nose. It was disgusting. A group of children board the train and automatically begin making comments about the man. One of them got their camera phone out and took a picture. The man never woke up but the kids were saying all kinds of things... Kids say the darnedest things...